Tag Archives: Dakota Johnson


Suspiria (2018)

While I half fucking loved this and half hated it, I do believe this is one of the most interesting films of the year and therefore a success in my eyes. The remake of Dario Argento‘s 1977 original is completely different to its counterpart, in style and in conclusion but it’s still beautiful and grating.

I can safely say that Suspiria (1977) is one of the most unpleasant viewing experiences I’ve ever had and yet it will stick in my mind forever. Much like a lot of Argento’s imagery – but this version is not by Argento so let’s park him here.

Directed by Luca Guadagnino (most recently of Call Me by Your Name), Suspiria Reloaded is also an acquired taste. The film follows ambitious dancer Susie (Dakota Johnson) to a world-renowned (and freaky deaky) dance company and as she settles into the flow of the place, under the stern eye of Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton), shit starts to get weird. Like seriously weird and at times incoherent and psychedelic. It’s really better if you just watch it and draw your own conclusions.

There are moments of sheer horror that have stuck with me (looking at you bendy woman in the mirrored dance studio) but there are also parts that feel really flabby. I’m referring to the story arc belonging to Dr. Josef Klemperer (also played by Swinton), a grieving psychotherapist with a missing wife.

I guess the novelty of Swinton playing multiple characters (she also appears as Helena Markos) is interesting but it also jars on me. I wondered why I couldn’t connect to Klemperer before I knew it was Tilda in prosthetics and now I understand it. Dakota Johnson does a decent job as Susie Bannion but there are a couple of scenes I think don’t work for her. Mia Goth meanwhile is lovely, commanding attention whenever she’s onscreen.

Again, it’s definitely worth a watch if you’re a fan of horror, even if you’re not because there’s a lot to love here. It’s odd and abstract and compelling for the most part – and I most definitely need another viewing.

⭐⭐⭐½ out of ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Have you seen Guadagnino’s Suspiria? What are your thoughts?

Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Directed by: James Foley
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan

IMDB Synopsis

Anastasia and Christian get married, but Jack Hyde continues to threaten their relationship.


I’m going to crack on with this review without ranting about the central relationship too much. Take it as read that I hate the control element (in and out of the red room) and I find it difficult to watch (but not enough to avoid the films altogether clearly). It’s not clever or cute, it’s just straight up abuse.

We follow on from the events of Fifty Shades Darker (2016) as Christian and Anastasia tie the knot after their whirlwind romance. The wedding is a lavish yet tasteful affair (obvs) and the couple enjoy a cheeky little Parisian honeymoon shortly thereafter.

Things piss me off ten minutes into their newlywed montage when Christian gets shitty because Ana takes off her bikini top ON THE BEACH. His concern that everybody will be staring at his wife’s tits greatly flatters her, considering there are hundreds of equally fit women in the vicinity but whatever.


Even though Christian acts like a buffoon, this is not the reason their trip is cut short, oh no. Ana’s stalker is back and causing mischief back in Seattle.

Oh my!

Back on home turf things are far from smooth sailing for the Greys but there’s always time for a quick rut. While the couple deal with the mystery of their stalker buddy and what the fuck he wants, they also argue about having kids and Anastasia’s general wilfulness. Get it girl.

How though, seriously do you marry a man without knowing his stance on having children first, Ana? I mean, it seems like kind of an important thing. Just me?

The sex itself seems hotter than before but it’s still repetitive af. Like, there’s not really that much variety. In fact genuinely the sexiest scene in the movie is the one in which Ana finally gets to drive the car home – and she gets to out drive the person tailing them.

My main beef with the film is this, in no particular order:

  • Why is Christian always so mad at Ana? (Rhetorical question). They’ve spent at least 50% of their relationship in a fight. It’s exhausting to watch, imagine being in it.
  • When Ana almost gets kidnapped and her husband victim shames her.
  • The scene when Christian Grey’s housekeeper tells Ana it’s time she starts thinking about how she’s going to run the house. Isn’t that your job, bitch? Also, she has a full-time job, why aren’t you saying the same thing to Mister Grey?
  • Christian Grey being all jealous about other men looking at Ana and yet still hiring THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN to be her personal bodyguard?
  • While we’re on the subject of Smithers or whatever, is he the worst security detail of all time? “Meet me in the library” wasn’t even a particularly inspired red herring and yet…
  • Rita Ora. Bore off, love.

The story line is ridiculously contrived, half-arsed and plain stupid but I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would. There’s a butt-plug scene that’s quite amusing and I’d be lying if I said I’m not a sucker for Anastasia’s luxury upgrade. Her wardrobe is TDF!

It’s all very predictable and convenient but Foley ties it up nicely with a skip down memory lane. I almost got emotional until I remembered I don’t really care and I hate Christian.

PS. If I got ‘punished’ every time I rolled my eyes in a day, I wouldn’t be able to walk straight.

My Rating


50 Shades of Grey (Film) Review

fifty_shades_of_grey_ver3I’ve thought long and hard (giggle) about this review for some reason and I don’t really know why. I think it’s because reviews of crappy films often annoy me.

I mean, the rule doesn’t necessarily apply here in exactly the same way but with a film such as The Expendables, for instance, there is always so much huff and puff about how it’s light on plot/the dialogue is shit/acting not up to much and I think, well duh but it’s fun, isn’t it? Is this not why we are here? (In style of Maximus Decimus Crowe).

With this in mind, I’m not going to tear this film a new one just because it’s inspired by a very badly written trilogy of books, about a frankly iffy relationship. I had a lot of fun with my movie date and passed through a range of emotions during the viewing, including: embarrassment, mirth, bemusement, rage and indifference.

50 Shade of Grey (2015)

I didn’t like the books but I read them anyway, so I had a point of reference when people talked about them. Wanting to be part of it is why I went to see the film, and because I wanted to see how it’s director, Sam Taylor-Johnson had adapted it, even with the input of E.L. James.


“Ermahgerd you’re, like, so hot Mr Grey, ermahgerd!”

Let’s quickly do the negatives: This film is by no stretch the worst I’ve ever seen but it does have a TV Movie vibe about it. The acting is okay, borderline wooden at times. I think Dakota Johnson is quite likeable, despite being a bit of a caricature of ‘sexy’ with her breathy voice and big eyes. Jamie Dornan really doesn’t do it for me and I just don’t think there’s anything stand out about his performance, though they both do what they can with what they’ve got.

The dialogue is terrible, mainly because James is a truly horrible writer and it seems as though Taylor-Johnson lost the battle to refine it. At least we’re spared the whole ‘inner goddess’ schtick though, which is a massive Pro and should go on the positives list.

The sex scenes are a lot saucier than I expected, which probably sounds like a ridonkulous thing to say about a film about BDSM but I know what I mean. I was reassured by the fact that it was actually quite sexual, I thought it would be pseudo-sexy but somehow decidedly innocent. They actually do fuck, which is nice.

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