“You’ve got red… all over you.”
Welcome to the next instalment of Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab 2015. By now you know the drill; Jill and I take turns picking a film, usually something tasteless and horrible (certainly on my part) and then we both review it.
It’s the cyber version of actually being able to hang out and snark together; and it’s a lot of fun. It also encourages us both to regularly blog and broaden our horizons artistically (she says, picking yet another horror film). Anyway, I love this series and I hope it reigns for a long time.
And now it’s time for this week’s pick, my choice. I know this isn’t a playground and there aren’t any kids here but I still feel the need to slap on the following disclaimer:
*Film contains A LOT OF SEX, NUDITY and VIOLENCE so if you’re looking for something a little more sedate, this might not be the movie for you. PS. SPOILER ALERTS!*
Prize for the campest movie poster goes to…
Nurse (2013) (It seems this film was adapted for 3-D which is bizarre but anyway, I didn’t watch it that way, so it’s plain old Nurse to me).
Where to Watch:
By day, Abby Russell is a dedicated nurse, but by night, she lures cheating men to their brutal deaths and exposes them for who they really are. (Via IMDB). ~ Right? Cheating men begone!
The Uncondensed Version:
We open with a statistic about the high proportion of murders committed within the medical profession. I didn’t note it down and I’m not sure if it’s true.
Skip to some jaunty Latin flavoured music (which I would totes dance to) and our first sighting of Paz de la Huerta as Abby Russell, the titular (literally) Nurse. She’s a vision in leather and lace, and let’s just get it out there now, this woman was blessed with a behind that could incite riots. Which is handy as she uses it a lot. And damn straight, I would too.
“Yes, I did hurt myself when I fell from Heaven, thanks for asking.”
Abby is all tousled curls, come to bed eyes and pillowy lips. She narrates her own story throughout and her opening scene is accompanied by an introduction: “I look like a slut but don’t be fooled.” (I may paraphrase).
Right. Cool. Well, there’ll be no slut shaming here, Abs. It’s all good. Abby explains that she’s on the hunt for cheaters or “lying, married scum” who pray on “innocent vaginas”. She rounds this off with the wonderful line, “There is no cure. Only me: the Nurse.”
Abby lures a married man from the bar to the roof where she teases him about his family, flicking through his wallet and addressing the family photos within. She proceeds to slice his femoral artery, under the guise of a quick blowie which disappoints him. She explains that he will bleed to death within minutes if he doesn’t do something soon. In the end she suggests, rather than take the stairs, he should choose the quick way down. Let’s just say, it’s very quick and doesn’t involve the elevator. (SPLAT!).
Not at all stereotypical nurses doing their rounds
That’s our rather gruesome introduction to Nurse Abby, but we are soon treated to her nurturing side, Nurse of the Month Abby Russell. Senior nurse. Mentor. She quickly introduces her newbie, Danni Rogers (30 Rock’s Katrina Bowden), explaining that this is “Our story”.
Danni is graduating. As Kathleen Turner explains (in the briefest of brief cameos), she is to become one the Angels of Mercy at All Saints Hospital. Danni is beside herself, excitedly hugging her mother after the ceremony. Abby approaches and is introduced to Danni’s mum and her step dad, Larry, who is somewhat brittle (there’s a story there, ooooh!). She also meets Danni’s boyfriend, Steve who’s a paramedic much to Abby’s disdain.
“I just really miss Tina Fey…”
Steve is pressuring Danni to move in but something is stopping her. Later on there is a terribly injured patient brought into All Saints and Danni freezes at the scene. As a result she is bollocked by Doctor Morris (Judd Nelson) and told to get out if she can’t handle the pace. Abby overhears the rollicking and wants to comfort Danni. Later, in the locker room Abby and Danni talk about it, and Abby explains that she’ll get there eventually. They decide to grab drinks after Abby has showered.
On the way to the bar, they spot Danni’s step dad with another woman, outside a restaurant. Danni confronts him as he was supposed to be at a conference in Boston, not flaunting his cheating ways on the town (oh dear, Larry). Abs n’ Dan go to the club where they quickly get effed up on shots. A man joins the girls on the dance floor where they are frolicking together happily and they all get frisky together. All this debauchery is caught on Abby’s camera (rookie mistake, Danni!). We also note that the cocktail glass Danni is drinking from has a grainy residue stuck to the bottom… suspect.
“You kiss your friends with that mouth?” Er, YEAH
The next morning Danni wakes up in Abby’s bed with a very naked Abby. She hotfoots it out of there quite quickly which does not go unmissed by Abby who had envisaged a day of fun for them both, if only Danni is willing to call in sick. She is unimpressed that Danni just wants to forget what happened, and pretend she hasn’t just cheated on Steve, even though she isn’t really sure what happened, or with whom. Special props to Paz de la Huerta’s waxer who does a bang up job keeping her lady garden in check. I hope he/she got a credit in the end titles.
Abby bumps into her neighbour on her way out and they chat. Jared is a real sweetie, genuinely concerned for Abby’s safety when she ventures out at night. She tells him she’ll be fine. She heads to see Larry, Danni’s step father who is a renowned psychiatrist. She tells him she has an addiction to men and he takes it that she’s a sex addict. Larry likes what he sees clearly as he hands over his cell phone number without much persuasion.
Oops, wrong movie
As with most of these reviews, I’m going to lay off the descriptives from now so as not to go on too much. Danni is back at work, and Dr Morris, who shouted at her before is impressed with her work since. He pats her on the arse then rubs himself against her later. He’s a disgusting pig who obviously attended the Benny Hill Medical School. Steve sends Danni flowers as they had rowed before her night out with Abby.
Abby is jealous and admits to the viewer (us), by way of her narration, that she had sex with Danni (‘cept she puts it in far filthier terms). Later, she gives Danni a key to let herself into her apartment if she ever needs time alone. Danni is upset as she doesn’t like leaving her mother alone with Larry. Danni lost her father and the two bond over that as Abby too has lost hers.
Abby by the way has a snake tattoo on her leg that I love. I saw one like it on a waitress in our local Mexican restaurant and I want one just like it. Anywhoo.
Abby goes to see Larry and seduces him into getting off with her. They park in an alleyway and she ties him up (bondage with a stranger = never a great idea), before injecting him with a paralyzing agent (incidentally, the same drug Abby has asked Danny to check out earlier that day from the pharmacy). Abby lets the handbrake of the car off (once she’s stepped out of course) and it wheels into oncoming traffic, killing Larry. Bah-bye Larry!
When she gets home Danni is waiting and they hug it out. Danni explains that Larry has been killed. They start talking about Steve and argue as Danni tells Abby she is going to move in with him. Danni is freaked out by the jealous tone Abby uses and leaves. As she’s leaving Abby tells her that she hopes Larry’s dick was cut off when he flew through the windshield. Danni knows she never told Abby how Larry was killed… Oh Abby, sloppy work!
At Larry’s funeral, Danni is approached by a hot cop who looks like The Rock and questioned lightly. She’d just seen him talking to Abby and confronts her as to why. Abby admits she’d been seeing Larry as a patient and he had meant a lot to her.
A new HR Director turns up called Rachel. She’s über enthusiastic and annoys everyone with her perpetual great mood and smiley face stickers. She meets Abby and immediately recognises her from somewhere. She tells her that she’s the spitting image of her childhood next door neighbour, Sarah, who ended up in an institution. Luckily for us, Danni is eavedropping. Abby is unimpressed with the comparison and denies it. Oh yes, and while we are introduced to Rachel’s character, Danni receives an email with the photos from ‘that night’ attached, including one of her doing it with a strange man.
“It’s a barn dance, STEVE, plaid shirts only.”
Later Abby and Rachel go for drinks, calling Danni on the way to see if she wants to join. She declines. Danni gets to Steve’s just in time to intercept another email of the photographs. She deletes them in the nick of time. Danni tries to talk to Steve about all of this but he’s on his way out. They agree to continue their conversation later.
In the middle of the night, Danni receives a Skype call from Rachel. Abby is in the background, with a huge syringe. Danni shouts at Rachel to look behind her, but Rachel has obviously never seen a pantomime and doesn’t take direction well, plus she’s hammered. Abby injects Rachel knocking her out. The call ends.
Danni rings the police, sending them to Abby’s apartment. Once she’s hung up, Abby Skypes Danni back and says that Rachel was being nosy. It looks like Rachel’s toast.
Skip on a bit, Dan goes to the cops where she sees Abby talking to The Rock. The Rock tells Danni to stay away from Abby, as she has been stalking her (!). Oh yes plus The Rock has the pictures of Danni shagging Abby and Steve is none too thrilled that she’s been cheating on him, riding off in a strop.
“I absolutely loved you in The Breakfast Club…”
Danni has nowhere to turn but Pervy Doctor Morris. Rachel, meanwhile, turns up and she’s fine, though she is still suspicious, Googling Sarah Price as she nurses her hangover (or worse) from the night before. Before she can uncover anything about Sarah/Abby, she is strangled from behind…
Danni goes to Sunnyview, the institution Sarah/Abby was in and uncovers interesting details about Sarah/Abby’s past. I’ll let you work these out for yourself but let’s just say, she has a checkered past.
Doctor Morris tells Abby there’s been a complaint about her. He says he might need to look into it further or she can do something to change his perspective on her. FYI he’s not talking about interpretive dance or knitting him a nice scarf. Abby says they should go somewhere to talk. In the morgue (romantic), Doctor Morris is punished by a pantless Abby. He’s a cheater you see so fits her criteria and she’s probably knickerless because it’s practical.
“I love dress down Fridays!”
Danni works out that something is afoot when she tries to call Rachel and Rachel’s phone turns up in the boot of her car. Oh yeah and The Rock is shagging Abby, which is convenient for her. On discovering the phone, Danni heads to All Saints where she has a bitch fight with Abby in the hallway. Shit kicks off spectacularly right about here and it’s a bloodbath, Sir.
“Have I got something on my face?”
Amidst all the carnage, Abby escapes. She goes home to grab a bag (totally unnoticed despite being naked and drenched in blood) but is confronted by The Rock who has come round to Danni’s way of thinking after doing a little bit of digging of his own (not a euphemism). Luckily, lovely neighbour Jared is there to protect her, thinking The Rock is a mugger. Sweet sweet Jared. He pops The Rock, and then Abby convinces him to take care of it. Which he does, dragging the body away to, the body disposal unit just around the block?
Later, Abby turns up in a new city, which looks like Miami or somewhere kind of tropical, and walks jauntily into a new hospital , introducing herself as Rachel Owen, new HR Director…
Wow. This isn’t for the fainthearted. It’s completely crazy and very camp. Paz, god love her, is wonderfully breathy as Abby, a super charged femme fatale on a mission. I do kind of feel for her and love her brand of vigilante justice (only in a fantasy setting, obvs. I don’t condone murders IRL).
It’s all just a bit of a man’s wet dream; sexy nurses a go go and doctors shagging like young bucks. At least what they’re doing isn’t consequence free. It’s all good fun, isn’t it? Not one to take seriously by any stretch, you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Abby certainly is.
I’m not a massive fan of torture porn, to be honest, unless it has a tongue in cheek quality and this was certainly witty in places. Some of the supporting characters are hilarious, including Rachel and sassy fellow nurse, Regina. I hate that Judd Nelson plays such a horrible pig, it’s definitely put into question my teenage crush on Breakfast Club Judd but all in all, I had fun.
4 saucy nurses out of 5
Nip over to Jillian’s shortly to see what she thought!
All images via Google.