B•F•R•W•W – The New Digest

The things I am currently digging in five easy categories – Bingeing (TV), Feeling, Reading, Watching (Films), Writing.

Bingeing

There’s a lot going on TV wise this Autumn/Winter but the most exciting is Pose Season 2 which has already succeeded in making me sob like a baby five minutes into the first episode. I’m trying not to smash the whole series in a day but it’s very moreish.

This season is centered around Madonna’s Vogue record, inspired by the NY ballrooms – House ma Blanca (Mj Rodriguez) is convinced this will bring the community mainstream acceptance while Pray Tell (Billy Porter) has seen it all before. Both are dealing with the HIV epidemic and fighting for their human rights – while Elektra (Dominique Jackson) is enjoying the spoils of her new (so far secret) career and Angel (Indya Moore ) is taking the fashion industry by storm. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend this amazing show – it is everything.

Obviously I’m all over Ru Paul’s Drag Race UK as well. Team Divina all the way.

Also watching: WatchmenSwamp ThingThe Young OffendersCreepshow

Feeling

I’ve decided not to fight Christmas this year – so I’m feeling festive. I didn’t get it at all last year so honestly fuck it, why not ride the wave with everyone else? My manager has already put up her tree and I’ve so far watched more Christmassy flicks than I care to admit – I’m saving Love Actually (2003) and The Holiday (2006), don’t worry. I’m thinking of making my own Christmas cards too – which is frankly obscene.

It’s also my birthday in just over a week and I wasn’t going to do anything but got talked into at least having an intimate dinner so there’s that to look forward to. There are six of us and I’m going to put on a new dress and false lashes – and enjoy the excellent company. I know I’m loved and completely blessed – and I am forever grateful for my loved ones.

Reading

Yes I’m reading more Stephen King – it’s the perfect time of the year for spooky and Christine is a wonderful story. My horror soulmate Matt is reading it at the same time and the regular check-ins with each other are the best bit. I will admit to finding this slow going though. It’s not Christine’s fault – I love it when I dip in – I think it’s honestly because the book’s so physically heavy, and it’s harder to read in the tub (my prime reading place).

I promise to review it when I’m done.

Also reading: My Favorite Thing is MonstersBuffy (Comics)

Watching

I’ve just re-watched Nerve (2016) on Amazon Prime, which was a lot better than I remembered – and I bloody love Emma Roberts. I’ve filled you in on Doctor Sleep which was v. good and of course, my shameful Christmas consumption.

My next cinema visit is to see Last Christmas with Helen on Tuesday – which I feel will be the final ingredient needed to get me feeling appropriately festive. I’m pretty sure I’ll be ruining my make-up for Emilia Clarke and I’m cool with it. Crying is cathartic, yo.

Also watching: Before I Wake (2016) • Gerald’s Game (2017) – I’m very much having a Mike Flanagan revival.

Writing

I wrote this, didn’t I? That’s about it on the writing front, unless you count the assessments I’ve done for my advanced Wicca course which is so fun. I’m loving it. I’ve submitted my first four assessments and come out with a 97% pass rate so far. I’m considering doing Astrology and Tarot next.

What are you up to?

Wholesome Content: Confessions of an Adult Journal Keeper

I’ve started ‘journaling’ and it’s weird. It feels angsty even though there’s no real angst in it, not like back in the day when all I cared about was boys and fitting in. Now I can’t abide most men and am far less concerned with fitting in. In fact, the less the better because fuck anyone who doesn’t accept this. Oh yeah, and there are more swears. 

What I’m trying to do with this whole daily journal malarkey is be honest with myself. Like, brutally. I try here but this is still an edited version of my thoughts, people from work read it, I can’t reveal every dark feeling. Nobody wants it. I know I mention anxiety a lot and I try to be truthful about it but there is a limit. 

I’ve only done a handful entries so far but it turns out the adult me, subject matter aside, is not so different from the teenage me. I’d probably be more devastated if someone found and read my diary now. Why journaling though? Well, there are thousands of arguments for why it’s good to get down your feelings, especially if you suffer from mental health issues. It’s supposed to help order your thoughts and help you work through them.

I don’t know if this will work. If I’m honest, I’m already two days behind and I promised myself I’d put an entry in for every day, even if it’s just a sentence. I’ve been doing this for less than a week and I’m two days behind. I suppose with everything, I just need to make sure I put time aside. Time for me is one of the things that makes me feel most anxious, I put so much pressure on myself to juggle free time with doing things, it makes me feel quite ill sometimes.

Anyway, watch this space!

Do you keep a diary? If so, how does it work for you?

Project Miranda

I’m trying to sort my life out. Nothing drastic, just deciding what I want from this world and looking at ways to get it. I’m not unhappy; I just have a way to go creatively.

For a while I’ve been chatting about trying to go freelance. Not full-time but finding a way to get paid for things I write outside of my day job. It’s been a small dream for a long time and I’ve never got off my bum to do it. When I mentioned it to Helen she agreed to be my mentor (and task master) because she’s fantastic at organisation – and motivation.

So we’ve agreed to approach this pragmatically, setting achievable goals every week. I’m to tackle them weekly and then present them to Helen (AKA Mum) on Fridays – and if I haven’t done something, she’s allowed to go in hard on my procrastinating arse. Which sounds like a fair arrangement? We have a safe word, just in case it all gets too much. It’s “Miranda”. As in Miranda Priestly of The Devil Wears Prada, the ultimate ball-breaking boss bitch.

This week I think I’ve got this – my tasks are already half done and I’ll be sitting down to finish this evening. My tasks are:

 

  • Set up a portfolio website
  • Find five potential websites to submit work to
  • Select five posts I’m proud of

 

As a bonus, I set myself an additional goal – to write a pros and cons list for staying at my current job. That’s been eye-opening to say the least… but I won’t share it, I don’t really like talking about work in this space.

However, the rest of it is fair game. I thought chatting about it publicly would keep me accountable and spur me on. I have nothing to lose and even if I do, at least I’ve finally tried.

Watch this space!

 

The Abyss

Kath recently talked about how blogging sometimes feels like screaming into the void and it’s got me to thinking about my own motivations.

I agree to a certain extent that sometimes it feels like you’re pouring out your innermost thoughts only to yourself, and maybe one or two other people.

I know my mum is my number one fan who often references the things I’ve said in conversation. She’s not really into the film posts, which is understandable and part of the reason I’m trying to keep my content more balanced. I enjoy the thought that even if we haven’t seen each other for a while, she can dip in and gauge how I’m feeling (I only wish this was a two way street). Although, she has an uncanny gift for knowing that even before I’ve acknowledged it myself.

I know Jill and Kath pop in on the regs. They’re much better at that than I am. I know Meghan will stop by occasionally – and I’m lucky to have the odd new follower who’ll take the time to comment or click like.

I’m actually pretty happy with that. I do it first and foremost for myself but would be lying if I said I didn’t care at all about being appreciated. We live in a ‘likes’ motivated society now, where our worth is directly linked to how many hearts we get on Instagram every morning (or so it feels). It’s hard to step away from that mindset and just enjoy things for what they are.

I think sometimes when what you’re doing gets popular it starts to feel less like yours. Not that it’s ever happened to me. I don’t like the thought of my bijou but safe place changing too much. So what if I’m writing reviews nobody will ever really read? I like the way I write and I like looking back on my life, on the good and the hard times – on how I’m changing every year.

There are heaps of posts I look back on now that make me cringe. They could have been written by a completely different girl – one who really didn’t like or accept herself. With this in mind maybe it is even more imperative that this is a safe place.

What do the blogger hobbyists out there think?

Write the Book

“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

There’s an old adage that suggests that every person has at least one book ‘in them’. I don’t know if this is true but I often think about whether or not I might be someone who does. My gut tells me no, absolutely not, that the fiction I love to read is way beyond me. I like dark and intricate plots – and I know I’d never have the attention to detail required to produce anything in this league. I struggle with timelines at the best of times (everything was the other day to me, even 1996) but I can’t imagine skilfully being able to foreshadow or call back to the exact moment a character turned from ordinary person to arch nemesis of the world.

For as long as I can remember my mother has been on at me to just “Write the book”. I believe I can write competently, it isn’t that I doubt that – I just don’t know if I have that something extra that she thinks I have. Writers are the most extraordinary people in the world to me. Take Stephen King, the man who wakes up every morning and writes a set number of words (1000) no matter what. Come rain or shine he throws his words on the page and something usually sticks. The man has produced some of the most memorable horror characters of all time. He’s built worlds that might look just like ours but are actually more horrible/magical/strange that we could ever imagine. Whether you’re a fan or not, this commitment is incredible – and it seems healthy and cathartic to me too. Perhaps I should try it, just open a Word doc every day and GO.

But if fiction is out of the question, then what? I haven’t enough true story in me for a memoir (I know that’s never stopped a lot of people) plus I’m way too young (LOL). Self help seems like a bit of cheek – who am I to believe I have wisdom to share with the world? This morning I had a Cadbury’s Crème egg for breakfast because “I’m ill”. I know about love, heartache and grief but so do most people. What on earth is my USP?

This is one of the million dollar questions that keeps me awake at night – what was I put on this earth to do, really? Perhaps that’s my pitch: ordinary 40 year old woman goes out into society to figure out her true purpose? Hey it could work. Failing that I’ll just whip up a book of my favourite filthy jokes, none of which are suitable for this blog post.

Happy Wednesday all!

UPDATE: I wrote this for my work blog and thought I’d share it here too.

Writing 101: Day 3 – One Word Inspiration

Writing 101 – Day 3 (Wednesday 9th September 2015) – One word inspiration

Today I am so loosely basing my post on this Writing 101 assignment that you could almost say I haven’t really done it at all. But I’m hoping it will all come together in the end.

Anyway, as so often is my defense, this is my blog and I’ll go off on a tangent and spout shit if I want to.

The word I picked is “Love”.

But rather than waffle on about my adorable husband and how perfect married life is, how photogenic the two of us are and how we never fight, I never fall over his shoes, he never gets annoyed with me forgetting the important details of almost everything he’s ever told me: I thought I’d focus on Love of Self, because I think it’s one of the most important fucking things in life tbh. So when I say “Love” in the context of this post, I mean me.

I ❤ Me.

image

New sneaks

Now I’ve got these babies (above) and the temperature has dropped (praise Jesus), I’m thinking of trying to run again. How’s that for self-love?

I recently heard about The Fat Girl’s Guide to Running and I thought it sounded pretty good. I’ve also downloaded the NHS Couch to 5K app to my phone to see if I can’t get to grips with slowly pushing myself a little further. I’m definitely in the market to exercise more, whatever my core activity ends up being, beyond hooping in the yard.

Alas, I’ve been in masses of pain for a fortnight with a bad arm. Self diagnosis has ruled it an RSI but I’m going to have that confirmed/denied by the doctor tomorrow before I make my moves too energetic (and award myself a doctorate). I’ll be somewhat annoyed if I come out of there without at least a small bandage.

So watch this space. My new regime is purely about core strength and over all self-care. If I start talking about weight, you have my permission to slap me. I’m so sick of weight and calorie talk, food being assigned moral values and fat shaming (or body shaming of any kind).

My body is bloody glorious now, it just needs to be taken outside and exercised, like a horse. Or a panther.

So today I am feeling all the love for myself.

I hope you do too, because take it from me, you’re freaking beautiful ❤

Trust

tumblr_nf689cKfMw1r1vjs5o1_1280Today’s word is trust: write a poem in which you address, reflect on, or tell a story about the feeling of trusting or being trusted by another (person, animal, object, potted plant…). Or about distrusting them (or not being trusted yourself). Via Writing 201: Trust (17th February 2015)

Today’s form: acrostic

This was a hard but satisfying style to try and crack. I’m quite sure you could argue that I didn’t quite hit the mark but I did what was asked and that is enough for me.

Continue reading

Water

Today, let’s write a poem about water. And/or a haiku. And/or use a simile. Via Writing 201: Water (15th February 2015)

For some reason I thought it would be a nice challenge to do the Writing 201: Poetry course via The Daily Post this time around. I was looking for Writing 201, the normal edition but couldn’t find it, so might make that my next port of call.

When the first poetry assignment popped into my inbox, I was a little deflated – write a poem, preferably a haiku! A haiku! I have done one, it’s not very good but then it is my first one, by the last prompt, I’m sure I’ll be a regular John Keats. Maybe.


Water is my theme.
Water is my biggest fear.
‘cos of sharks, innit.


You’re welcome. I’m here all week, etc.

 

 

A Moment in Time

What was the last picture you took? Tell us the story behind it. Via The Daily Post (20th January 2015)

IMG_20150121_164706

This is the last good picture I took. I sure as Hell photograph a lot of things I think are funny/cute that don’t deserve the light of day (selfies, aside). This was taken in the rickety old building I work in that is almost pitch black after 5pm in the Winter.

This means any trips to the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter, are conducted almost entirely in the dark. It gets most stressful if you have an imagination like mine. I think the building would be the perfect setting location for a slasher/horror movie.

Aside from that, the toilets are actually haunted. Word is that our ghoul likes to flit between male and female bathrooms, indiscriminately, so we can’t decipher gender. All we do know is that it likes to set off the hand dryer while you’re in the middle of business. If you’re in there alone, you can often hear footsteps and I swear it’s accompanied by the sound of beads clanking together. I’m thinking monk or nun.

One night it whispered “hello” into a colleague’s ear as she walked out. We’ve taken to calling our ghost Fergal, regardless of anything.

I like this picture because it’s atmospheric. It makes me appreciate my work place more. It’s a run down building with not much going for it except character.

I like character in my surroundings.

Cue the Violins

If your life were a movie, what would its soundtrack be like? What songs, instrumental pieces, and other sound effects would be featured on the official soundtrack album? Via The Daily Post (21st November 2014)

If my life had a soundtrack, I hope it would be make me feel exactly like Pitch Perfect‘s does. You know, good.

I’m all about feeling good and being stirred. I love an anthem. I like to listen to songs that make me imagine myself in certain scenarios. A dance off in the aisle of the night bus with twenty strangers, for example.

Showing an old (and beautiful) ex-boyfriend how amazing life has been without him. The high school reunion I couldn’t bear to attend in real life. Am the only person who does this?

Don’t expect anything too high brow from the Soundtrack of my Life. You would get some Shaggy, ‘Superfreak‘ by Rick James, a bit of Prince (because who can stay still when Prince is up?). You’d get Alanis Morissette because ‘Jagged Little Pill‘ was amazing.

You’d get the very best of The Cure, epecially ‘Close to You‘. Depeche Mode’s ‘Strange Love (Blind Mix)‘ would swing by and hold hands with The Smiths.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out‘ is my favourite and would therefore play whenever I gazed upon my true love. ‘Milkshake‘ would be my personal theme tune whenever I entered the frame. Or maybe I would prefer ‘Edge of Seventeen‘?

A bit of ‘Faith‘. A lot of Spice Girls. ‘Express Yourself‘ by Madonna. ‘What It Feels Like For a Girl‘ too.

How is it even possible to choose what 12 songs? My life would have to be a trilogy, at least, just to fit it all in.

What about you?

In other news, it’s the weekend before my birthday and I’m heading back ‘home’ tonight. It’ll be very family heavy and that’s exactly what I want and need this year.

Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I want good company and quality time rather than drunken debauchery or, more likely, self-loathing because I’m no longer young.

Happy Friday all!