Category Archives: Writing

Write the Book

“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.” ~ Christopher Hitchens

There’s an old adage that suggests that every person has at least one book ‘in them’. I don’t know if this is true but I often think about whether or not I might be someone who does. My gut tells me no, absolutely not, that the fiction I love to read is way beyond me. I like dark and intricate plots – and I know I’d never have the attention to detail required to produce anything in this league. I struggle with timelines at the best of times (everything was the other day to me, even 1996) but I can’t imagine skilfully being able to foreshadow or call back to the exact moment a character turned from ordinary person to arch nemesis of the world.

For as long as I can remember my mother has been on at me to just “Write the book”. I believe I can write competently, it isn’t that I doubt that – I just don’t know if I have that something extra that she thinks I have. Writers are the most extraordinary people in the world to me. Take Stephen King, the man who wakes up every morning and writes a set number of words (1000) no matter what. Come rain or shine he throws his words on the page and something usually sticks. The man has produced some of the most memorable horror characters of all time. He’s built worlds that might look just like ours but are actually more horrible/magical/strange that we could ever imagine. Whether you’re a fan or not, this commitment is incredible – and it seems healthy and cathartic to me too. Perhaps I should try it, just open a Word doc every day and GO.

But if fiction is out of the question, then what? I haven’t enough true story in me for a memoir (I know that’s never stopped a lot of people) plus I’m way too young (LOL). Self help seems like a bit of cheek – who am I to believe I have wisdom to share with the world? This morning I had a Cadbury’s Crème egg for breakfast because “I’m ill”. I know about love, heartache and grief but so do most people. What on earth is my USP?

This is one of the million dollar questions that keeps me awake at night – what was I put on this earth to do, really? Perhaps that’s my pitch: ordinary 40 year old woman goes out into society to figure out her true purpose? Hey it could work. Failing that I’ll just whip up a book of my favourite filthy jokes, none of which are suitable for this blog post.

Happy Wednesday all!

UPDATE: I wrote this for my work blog and thought I’d share it here too.

Writing 101: Day 3 – One Word Inspiration

Writing 101 – Day 3 (Wednesday 9th September 2015) – One word inspiration

Today I am so loosely basing my post on this Writing 101 assignment that you could almost say I haven’t really done it at all. But I’m hoping it will all come together in the end.

Anyway, as so often is my defense, this is my blog and I’ll go off on a tangent and spout shit if I want to.

The word I picked is “Love”.

But rather than waffle on about my adorable husband and how perfect married life is, how photogenic the two of us are and how we never fight, I never fall over his shoes, he never gets annoyed with me forgetting the important details of almost everything he’s ever told me: I thought I’d focus on Love of Self, because I think it’s one of the most important fucking things in life tbh. So when I say “Love” in the context of this post, I mean me.

I ❤ Me.

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New sneaks

Now I’ve got these babies (above) and the temperature has dropped (praise Jesus), I’m thinking of trying to run again. How’s that for self-love?

I recently heard about The Fat Girl’s Guide to Running and I thought it sounded pretty good. I’ve also downloaded the NHS Couch to 5K app to my phone to see if I can’t get to grips with slowly pushing myself a little further. I’m definitely in the market to exercise more, whatever my core activity ends up being, beyond hooping in the yard.

Alas, I’ve been in masses of pain for a fortnight with a bad arm. Self diagnosis has ruled it an RSI but I’m going to have that confirmed/denied by the doctor tomorrow before I make my moves too energetic (and award myself a doctorate). I’ll be somewhat annoyed if I come out of there without at least a small bandage.

So watch this space. My new regime is purely about core strength and over all self-care. If I start talking about weight, you have my permission to slap me. I’m so sick of weight and calorie talk, food being assigned moral values and fat shaming (or body shaming of any kind).

My body is bloody glorious now, it just needs to be taken outside and exercised, like a horse. Or a panther.

So today I am feeling all the love for myself.

I hope you do too, because take it from me, you’re freaking beautiful ❤

Trust

tumblr_nf689cKfMw1r1vjs5o1_1280Today’s word is trust: write a poem in which you address, reflect on, or tell a story about the feeling of trusting or being trusted by another (person, animal, object, potted plant…). Or about distrusting them (or not being trusted yourself). Via Writing 201: Trust (17th February 2015)

Today’s form: acrostic

This was a hard but satisfying style to try and crack. I’m quite sure you could argue that I didn’t quite hit the mark but I did what was asked and that is enough for me.

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Water

How awkward, I'm wearing exactly the same outfit today...

How awkward, I’m wearing exactly the same outfit today…

Today, let’s write a poem about water. And/or a haiku. And/or use a simile. Via Writing 201: Water (15th February 2015)

For some reason I thought it would be a nice challenge to do the Writing 201: Poetry course via The Daily Post this time around. I was looking for Writing 201, the normal edition but couldn’t find it, so might make that my next port of call.

When the first poetry assignment popped into my inbox, I was a little deflated – write a poem, preferably a haiku! A haiku! I have done one, it’s not very good but then it is my first one, by the last prompt, I’m sure I’ll be a regular John Keats. Maybe.

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A Moment in Time

What was the last picture you took? Tell us the story behind it. Via The Daily Post (20th January 2015)

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This is the last good picture I took. I sure as Hell photograph a lot of things I think are funny/cute that don’t deserve the light of day (selfies, aside). This was taken in the rickety old building I work in that is almost pitch black after 5pm in the Winter.

This means any trips to the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter, are conducted almost entirely in the dark. It gets most stressful if you have an imagination like mine. I think the building would be the perfect setting location for a slasher/horror movie.

Aside from that, the toilets are actually haunted. Word is that our ghoul likes to flit between male and female bathrooms, indiscriminately, so we can’t decipher gender. All we do know is that it likes to set off the hand dryer while you’re in the middle of business. If you’re in there alone, you can often hear footsteps and I swear it’s accompanied by the sound of beads clanking together. I’m thinking monk or nun.

One night it whispered “hello” into a colleague’s ear as she walked out. We’ve taken to calling our ghost Fergal, regardless of anything.

I like this picture because it’s atmospheric. It makes me appreciate my work place more. It’s a run down building with not much going for it except character.

I like character in my surroundings.

Cue the Violins

If your life were a movie, what would its soundtrack be like? What songs, instrumental pieces, and other sound effects would be featured on the official soundtrack album? Via The Daily Post (21st November 2014)

tumblr_naa2ac3rpn1r2x63jo1_500If my life had a soundtrack, I hope it would be make me feel exactly like Pitch Perfect‘s does. You know, good.

I’m all about feeling good and being stirred. I love an anthem. I like to listen to songs that make me imagine myself in certain scenarios. A dance off in the aisle of the night bus with twenty strangers, for example.

Showing an old (and beautiful) ex-boyfriend how amazing life has been without him. The high school reunion I couldn’t bear to attend in real life. Am the only person who does this?

Don’t expect anything too high brow from the Soundtrack of my Life. You would get some Shaggy, ‘Superfreak‘ by Rick James, a bit of Prince (because who can stay still when Prince is up?). You’d get Alanis Morissette because ‘Jagged Little Pill‘ was amazing.

You’d get the very best of The Cure, epecially ‘Close to You‘. Depeche Mode’s ‘Strange Love (Blind Mix)‘ would swing by and hold hands with The Smiths.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out‘ is my favourite and would therefore play whenever I gazed upon my true love. ‘Milkshake‘ would be my personal theme tune whenever I entered the frame. Or maybe I would prefer ‘Edge of Seventeen‘?

A bit of ‘Faith‘. A lot of Spice Girls. ‘Express Yourself‘ by Madonna. ‘What It Feels Like For a Girl‘ too.

How is it even possible to choose what 12 songs? My life would have to be a trilogy, at least, just to fit it all in.

What about you?

In other news, it’s the weekend before my birthday and I’m heading back ‘home’ tonight. It’ll be very family heavy and that’s exactly what I want and need this year.

Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I want good company and quality time rather than drunken debauchery or, more likely, self-loathing because I’m no longer young.

Happy Friday all!

Second Hand Stories

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What’s the best story someone else has recently told you (in person, preferably)? Share it with us, and feel free to embellish — that’s how good stories become great, after all. Via The Daily Post Daily Prompt (2nd November 2014)

I stumbled across this prompt a couple of weeks ago and loved it. I have so far not been able to find the motivation to write it though. Perhaps today is the day.

My best friend, Panda and I laugh about my favourite story a lot and I don’t know why it tickles us so much. Yes, it’s about Tom Hanks, who we love more than we love our own families (not really, we love him like family) but it’s also quite dark and very sad.

NB: I should state here that I didn’t hear this in person recently, it was several years ago and found by accident online. I can’t for the life of me remember where or who or why I ended up with this information but the important thing is that I did.

Wanna hear it?

My story goes like this. Tom Hanks was killed in the 9/11 terrorist attack back in 2001. He was, for some reason, in one of the towers when it came down.

Once discovered by the ‘Powers That Be’ who run Hollywood, but miraculously nobody else in the world, a meeting was held (I’m embellishing now) in a plush office at an undisclosed location somewhere in California. Earl Grey and pink donuts were served.

The PTB were so concerned that the movie industry would never recover from such a tragic and gargantuan loss that they decided that nobody else could ever know (bar the Hanks family, one presumes).

Instead, they would create a hologram of The King of Hollywood, who would continue to make movies, television appearances, produce in name as normal and even appear on the red carpet; as if nothing had happened.

Unfortunately, it was leaked and recorded on the web, thus taking its place as my very favourite conspiracy theory of all time. Even better than the one about Whitney Houston being sacrificed so Blue Ivy could exist (a soul for a soul, bitches). God, I have issues.

The thing is, I look now and I can’t find the original source. I mention it to people and they’ve never heard it. So did I imagine my own conspiracy theory? And if I did, what on earth does that say about me?

Or… am I the only other person in the world to have accidentally read this story in the few seconds it took for the ninjas to crash through the roof of the culprit’s condo and rip it out of existence forever?

Personally, I think the fact that this story has been removed from The Internet is suspicious in itself. Therefore, clearly true.

I love Tom more than anything, so of course I would prefer my Hanks alive and kicking, however did you ever hear such a fantastic tale? I never have since.

And, lest you think my internet digging was fruitless, I have to say here that if you type into Google ‘Tom Hanks Conspiracy Theory’, you will find some absolute gems.

The theory that Tom Hanks has never existed because ALIENS is sheer perfection.

Thoughts?