Category Archives: Mental Health

Enjoy the Silence

I’m a big fan of the PMA meme. I choose to believe that a fair bit of being able to get through life is to maintain a positive attitude (where possible, obvs). I don’t really like to thrive on negativity or be around bad energy – the odd bitch about a colleague is one thing but I don’t enjoy being dragged into drama, my own or someone else’s.

What I’m trying to say is that here on the blog I might have a gentle moan but most of how I’m feeling is filed away in the “being handled” cabinet, and that is that. But that’s not always realistic and sometimes I just get very, very tired with everything. Not in a sinister way, there’s nothing to worry about, it’s more about getting fed up with slapping a happy face on and going about my day all the time.

Of course most of us are doing that – it’s life – we’re fighting the good fight but sometimes all the relentless positivity, all the Go girl/You got this memes, the very memes I subscribe so heavily to, start to annoy me. What if I don’t got this? What if I can’t pick myself up and dust myself off? Obviously I can and I will eventually but what if the effort of this is too much because sometimes it is. Sometimes I feel so numb I don’t feel anything. Of course there’s always love for my husband, family and friends – it’s not that, it’s something else this numbness. It’s a bone tiredness that sucks the joy of life and the excitement out of the future.

On the other hand sometimes, when I let my meds slip (which isn’t often), I might go the other way. My brain literally buzzes and it feels as though all the nerve endings inside this head of mine are live wires. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. That’s the worst feeling in the world and almost worse than the depression.

I don’t reveal all this because I’m special or that I want to be treated differently, I share it because it’s true and a part now of who I am. We’re told all the time it’s important to talk about these things and it is, we shouldn’t be scared by fact and by the so-called negative things that make us human. I wouldn’t change this about myself, I believe honestly that it makes me a better person somehow, that my anxiety and depression attunes me to others and I can spot a person struggling and act accordingly. I will never shy away again from being sensitive, even over-sensitive – this is me.

I just think it’s important to acknowledge that the fight is tiring and that sometimes I want to give up. Genuinely, I think often of getting on a bus and disappearing, starting a new gentler life somewhere alone. My reclusive nature goes into overdrive and it seems so appealing. Imagine not having to speak to anyone for as long as I wanted! Sounds like bliss. In reality it would be lonely and isolating and it would make me feel so much worse.

I’m not going to do that. I have everything I could ever possibly need right here but sometimes, just sometimes I need to allow myself to feel these things. Then I’ll pick myself up and get on with it.

How are you?

Quiet

Sorry things have been quiet around these parts lately. 

I’ve had little energy to get my thoughts down, and this time my issue isn’t lack of time. I’ve been trying to stay upbeat, trying not to stress and trying to distract myself.

Some days are better than others. Some are damned confusing. Like, how did I get here? How am I, a woman with so much, in this condition? 

Well, because I’m human. Because I have a mind and anyone with a mind can have mental health issues. 

On Monday, I’m hoping for some clarity. Not all the answers or even one definite plan but maybe a nudge in the right direction. 

I need to learn how to deal with this. 

How are you? ♥️

All the Small Things 

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I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying something new as a ‘career’ and I’m not sure how it’s working out. I want it to and you know, I’m there early, I’m asking questions and I’m engaged but it’s taking me longer than ever to get it.

I don’t think I can blame a fuzzy head for this, though I think a lot of my fuzzy head comes from how long it’s taking me to adapt to change. I used to be like GI Jane, dropping and rolling with each new experience, is it old age that’s changed me?

All I know is some days it feels like ten steps forward and two backwards (which is pretty good in the first month, I think) but do you think I can think of anything but the little things I’ve got muddled in a day? Of course not.

I go home and worry that I’m about to be fired because I copied the wrong thing or didn’t read a note thoroughly enough. I’m so hard on myself and it’s making me nervous.

I just long to be on the other side of being the new girl with no experience.

How long does that generally take, eh?

Road Trip

It’s easy to forget your worries when you’re singing Michael Jackson songs on the A259. All those fears seem a million miles away when you’re on the road with the one you love. Who, incidentally, knows every word and inflection to every song, something your childhood self would have lost her mind about.

We visited my brother and Sister-in-law in Kent this weekend and it was perfect. It felt like a holiday, a break away from home. At one point I commented that it was nice to be by the sea and it was pointed out that I actually live in a seaside City. Visiting the harbour shouldn’t be a novelty but it feels like one. 

So there I found myself, on the Harbour Arm with a Peach Bellini in my hand and the wind in my hair, feeling nothing like the person I was talking about to my Sister-in-law. Nothing like the angst-ridden late-thirty something crying at a bus stop just three days prior. 

I always think about this, how easy it is to forget when you’re yammering away, soaking in other people’s hope and fears, all their excitements. I’m not alone and I know this for a fact and yet, as the days draw to a close I feel like I must be the only person worrying about this stuff.

It’s nice to know that’s not true and of course it isn’t. It’s good to say a thing out loud and have your companion say “I completely understand.”

I’ve been talking about not being fine since I started this blog last week and people are great. The people I choose to share it with anyway. Not everyone needs to hear it. 

Nobody has been surprised and I think that’s telling. I thought my loved ones would be shocked to the core that someone as together as me could feel this way, but I don’t think I’ve given them enough credit for knowing me. 

Anxiety is a part of me and I’ll shuffle up to allow it room. I can accept I need help and that this is one of my characteristics but there will be no letting it get away with too much. I’m going to learn how to deal with it, how to live with it in the background. 

Incidentally, have you ever seen The Babadook? That film has the greatest depiction of what living with depression and grief can be like, it moves me every time I think of it. Check it out. 

So, yes. This weekend was a good one. Now to smash Monday. 

How was yours?

Coming Out

I’m coming out today as someone who is struggling to cope. Not with everything, just some things and I’ve decided to get help.

I’m a strong, independent bad ass in many ways but mental anxiety has been kicking my head in for around a year now – and enough is enough (to quote both Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer in tandem).

I’ve started this blog so I can be truthful about bad days. Consider it a mental health diary.

Sounds well fun, doesn’t it? Oh, but it will be. Truth and honesty are hilarious.

While I don’t know what the help will be or what is making me feel so anxious all the time, I’m heading off to find some answers. Wish me luck!

And please, feel free to join me with your own experiences, comments, etc. I know I’m not alone and neither are you.

Peace ✌🏻

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Blue Monday

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I was going to do a whole schtick about Blue Monday and my ‘cure’ for such days but, on reading the post back, I realised it was coming off too flippant. Like, ha the cure for any bad day is obviously Jason Momoa’s Instagram, and while I wish more than anything it was that simple, I know it’s not.

All I can say is that anyone affected by anxiety and Mental Health Issues, I hope you get the help you need. You’re not alone, no matter how much it might feel that way.

And maybe Blue Monday is a good thing if it gets us all talking about the January Blues and how depressing it can all be. Maybe in knowing something like this is coming we can better arm ourselves against it? Practicing self-care is incredibly important, be that a bubble bath or taking the whole day off social media to protect yourself from triggering news. We gotta do what we gotta do, right? There’s no other way.

This isn’t meant to be a woe is me post personally but I know how it feels to feel hopeless and trapped and terrified, something I’ve held on to for way too long, let me tell you. And it rears its ugly head in the form of anxiety and doubt all the time. But things can get better, do get more manageable and they can change.

They can change for you too. 💙

If you’re in the UK, you can dial 116 123 to get through to The Samaritans.
This is a handy looking list of Mental Health helplines is good too.

Oh, just in case, this is Momoa’s Insta. 💙