Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Directed by: James Foley
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan

IMDB Synopsis

Anastasia and Christian get married, but Jack Hyde continues to threaten their relationship.

*Spoilers*

I’m going to crack on with this review without ranting about the central relationship too much. Take it as read that I hate the control element (in and out of the red room) and I find it difficult to watch (but not enough to avoid the films altogether clearly). It’s not clever or cute, it’s just straight up abuse.

We follow on from the events of Fifty Shades Darker (2016) as Christian and Anastasia tie the knot after their whirlwind romance. The wedding is a lavish yet tasteful affair (obvs) and the couple enjoy a cheeky little Parisian honeymoon shortly thereafter.

Things piss me off ten minutes into their newlywed montage when Christian gets shitty because Ana takes off her bikini top ON THE BEACH. His concern that everybody will be staring at his wife’s tits greatly flatters her, considering there are hundreds of equally fit women in the vicinity but whatever.

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Even though Christian acts like a buffoon, this is not the reason their trip is cut short, oh no. Ana’s stalker is back and causing mischief back in Seattle.

Oh my!

Back on home turf things are far from smooth sailing for the Greys but there’s always time for a quick rut. While the couple deal with the mystery of their stalker buddy and what the fuck he wants, they also argue about having kids and Anastasia’s general wilfulness. Get it girl.

How though, seriously do you marry a man without knowing his stance on having children first, Ana? I mean, it seems like kind of an important thing. Just me?

The sex itself seems hotter than before but it’s still repetitive af. Like, there’s not really that much variety. In fact genuinely the sexiest scene in the movie is the one in which Ana finally gets to drive the car home – and she gets to out drive the person tailing them.

My main beef with the film is this, in no particular order:

  • Why is Christian always so mad at Ana? (Rhetorical question). They’ve spent at least 50% of their relationship in a fight. It’s exhausting to watch, imagine being in it.
  • When Ana almost gets kidnapped and her husband victim shames her.
  • The scene when Christian Grey’s housekeeper tells Ana it’s time she starts thinking about how she’s going to run the house. Isn’t that your job, bitch? Also, she has a full-time job, why aren’t you saying the same thing to Mister Grey?
  • Christian Grey being all jealous about other men looking at Ana and yet still hiring THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN to be her personal bodyguard?
  • While we’re on the subject of Smithers or whatever, is he the worst security detail of all time? “Meet me in the library” wasn’t even a particularly inspired red herring and yet…
  • Rita Ora. Bore off, love.

The story line is ridiculously contrived, half-arsed and plain stupid but I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would. There’s a butt-plug scene that’s quite amusing and I’d be lying if I said I’m not a sucker for Anastasia’s luxury upgrade. Her wardrobe is TDF!

It’s all very predictable and convenient but Foley ties it up nicely with a skip down memory lane. I almost got emotional until I remembered I don’t really care and I hate Christian.

PS. If I got ‘punished’ every time I rolled my eyes in a day, I wouldn’t be able to walk straight.

My Rating

2/5.